Red Ramblings : Between Two Ficuses with Jeff Strand

It is my pleasure to chat today with a Bram Stoker Award nominee and... just a truly, truly talented horror, fantasy and suspense writer. He is the author of Wolf Hunt, Mandibles, The Sinister Mr. Corpse, Pressure, Dweller and many, many other "gleefully macabre" novels and short stories, most of which can be had for a pittance for the Kindle ereader device, or in various hardcover and paperback forms at your local closed bookstore. Best know for weaving humor into his terrifying tales, let's all say hi and get to know this prolific bestseller a little bit better.

Rod: First of all, I’d like to thank you for agreeing to sit down with me here on Red Ramblings. It makes me really uncomfortable when men stand so close in front of me while I’m talking.

Jeff: Sorry about that. I’ll stand behind you.

Rod: Ok... thanks.

Jeff: (Stumbling around behind the set)

Rod: Here. Just sit here. Oops! You okay? Here. There ya go... I really appreciate you taking time out of your hectic schedule to visit me today. It is such an honor to interview you for my blog! Please excuse me if I seem a little nervous. I’m not the type of guy to get all gushy and star struck, but I have to confess, it’s pretty nerve-racking for a new writer like me to be talking with such a… legend in the field of horror and fantasy fiction. So, anyway… first question: Your novels Ghost Story and Shadowland are two of my favorite novels of all time. Of the books that you’ve written, which are your personal favorites, Mr. Straub?

Jeff: Thanks! I appreciate the compliment. Personally, my favorite of my own books is...wait a minute, WHAT?!?!?!? You sloping-foreheaded dullard, you've got the wrong interviewee! I'm Jeff Strand!

Rod: Jeff Strand? Who’s that? (Typing) Hmm… wow. Did you know you’re not on Wikipedia? (Typing) In fact, I really can’t find out much about you at all. Are you sure you’re famous?

Jeff: Yeah.

Rod: Okay, here you are… sorry about that. So, um, Jeff… out of all the “books” (quotation fingers) that you’ve written, which is your personal favorite?

Jeff: They're all awesome in their own way. I think my favorite is a tie between Wolf Hunt and Pressure and Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Fangboy and Benjamin's Parasite and The Sinister Mr. Corpse and Mandibles and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same and A Bad Day For Voodoo and Gleefully Macabre Tales and Dweller and half of The Haunted Forest Tour and Out of Whack and Kutter and How to Rescue a Dead Princess and Elrod McBugle on the Loose and The Severed Nose.

Rod: Did you know that your photos on the internet make you look like a red-headed Freddie Mercury? What’s that like?

Jeff: Is he the guy who did that Wayne's World song that's like a bunch of short songs put together? He totally rocks. "Flash! Ooooohhhhh! He saved every one of us!" Is it copyright infringement to quote a lyric from the Flash Gordon song here? I hope so, because you'll be the recipient of the lawsuit, not me. Hahahahahahaha!!!

Rod: I think that falls under "fair use" law... sort of like the plots of your books. Ahem... I see that you’ve been nominated for the Bram Stoker awards—more than once, in fact. Three questions: Which of your books were nominated? How much does it cost to buy a Bram Stoker Award nomination? And how does it feel to be the Susan Lucci of horror novelists?

Jeff: Pressure, Dweller, and Gleefully Macabre Tales were nominated. If you've got my kind of connections, you can buy a Stoker nomination for a pack of cigarettes and a gun with the serial number filed off. And why do people who lose an award, like, twice, always say "I'm the Susan Lucci of the [Insert Award Here.]." According to the Google search I just did, Susan Lucci lost 19 times! If you didn't lose 19 times, quit frickin' comparing yourself to Susan Lucci! Also, she finally won back in 1999, so this question has been irrelevant for over a decade.

Rod: I didn't know that. (Note to self: no more Susan Lucci references...) We have a lot in common. I see here you started writing in grade school, drew comic books, and had a poem published by Pizza Hut. I also started out making my own comics books in grade school, and in seventh grade I started selling risqué slogans to a company that manufactured humorous pins and novelty greeting cards for $25 a one-liner. My best one was “Keep a stiff upper lip… or I’ll shoot it up your nose.” What kind of humorous childhood stories can you share with us to help fill up some of this dead space?

Jeff: I don't get the stiff upper lip joke. Is the point that it doesn't make any sense? When I was a kid I had some hermit crabs and they died, which was not a particularly humorous event but for the purposes of this story we'll pretend that their deaths were accompanied by wacky sound effects.

Rod: Like "Pingyoooowwww!" or more like "cruuuuuunch"? Haha, that's funny... Jeff, you’re probably best known for mixing humor and horror in your novels. Have you ever considered writing something good?

Jeff: Briefly, in college.

Rod: Did you know that my eBooks on Amazon generally outsell yours? I just wondered if you knew that. You don’t have to answer.

Jeff: No, no...the lower numbers are better in Amazon sales rankings. When your ranking is over 2 million that doesn't mean you sold 2 million books.

Rod: Ouch. That was... kind of mean. So... Mandibles is one of your most recent books. Question: why?

Jeff: It's actually not. It's a book from 2002 that I recently re-released as an e-book. Nice research, dude!

Rod: Do you have any advice for aspiring young artists or writers who think they might have a chance of competing with bigshot writers like you and me? I mean, aside from telling them to “just give that shit up”? Ha ha! Right? Right? High five!

Jeff: (Looking at Rod's notes) Did you suddenly switch from a numbering system to a lettering system with these questions? You are the drunkest interviewer I've ever endured.

Rod: Moving on...! You co-authored Draculas with some really high-profile horror authors… and J. A. Konrath. What was it like working with that hack, and how did it feel to be his little bitch? Did you split the proceeds four ways, or was it more of a three-on-one? You know, he never would Facebook friend me… that butthole.

Jeff: It was a 25/25/25/25 split, minus expenses, which thanks to a glitch in our Excel file means that we all owe Konrath about fifty bucks a month. He spends the money on colorful yarn, yet nobody ever sees him knitting. It's very odd and disturbing. He probably didn't accept your friend request because your profile picture was his head on a stick.

Rod: Finally, this is the part of the interview where you get to plug your latest crap… I mean, books… or whatever. (Orders pizza)

Jeff: What kind of pizza are you getting? Will it have jalapenos? Can I have a slice? No, no, don't get Dominos. I gave them another try after their freaky "We know our pizza used to suck, but now it doesn't!" commercial, but they still offer a sub-par pizza experience. If you order from Marco's, I'll totally pitch in for half.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank Jeff for coming down to the meat packing plant for this little interview, and for being such a great sport. You didn’t let anyone know you were coming down here tonight, right, Jeff? Cool. So come over here. I want to show you something. Do you know how we deal with competition down here…?

Jeff Strand was the author of Wolf Hunt and Fangboy and some other books. Well, technically, he's still the author of those and the others...he's just dead now. Which means that his books are going to sell even better. Dammit.

Click here to purchase the excellent Wolf Hunt, along with all the rest of Mr. Strand's books on Amazon.com for the Kindle ereader... or in archeological paper format if you still prefer the smell of rotting wood pulp and ink.